Awareness

            It seems like each month has an awareness campaign that is flaunted in the media, with all sorts of paraphernalia and pamphlets to assist in spreading the message, bringing whatever cause it is to light. This month, October, is both breast cancer and domestic violence awareness, and no, I won’t be plastering my vehicle in pink and purple ribbon magnets that are hawked in every gas station or grocery store, nor will I be toting my groceries around in canvas bags that have the colored ribbons adorned on them. Yes, I do hope that one day both of these things, breast cancer and domestic violence, become things of the past, but I don’t think the way for that to happen is through monthly awareness campaigns.

            The other day I was in the waiting room of the hospital, awaiting to be checked in for my MRI. A lady who was sitting in the waiting room commented on my hair (it’s currently a bright turquoise, specifically Manic Panic Voodoo Blue) and asked what color I was going to go next. She suggested pink since it is breast cancer awareness month and I could tell a story with my hair. Then she asked me about Ebola and if I was scared, then said that she hopes that she can finish up at the hospital in time for her to go and make the arrangements for her sister’s funeral. She finished our conversation (which was mostly one sided) with telling me that I will feel better soon, since “God is great.” So many things were going through my head, but I just smiled and nodded.

            First off, no, I won’t be dying my hair pink for breast cancer awareness month, nor will I be participating in any of the “Walk for a cure” events (even if I was able to walk without pain). No, I am not a curmudgeon (okay, maybe a little), but most of the overhead for such events goes towards administrative costs and fundraising functions. For example, one of the largest breast cancer charities, the American Breast Cancer Foundation (which sounds very official), takes in $959,635 from contributions, but only around half goes to supporting the cause, with the rest going to administrative costs and fundraising expenses. So, how much actually goes towards "finding a cure?"

           I think that we are all aware of the diseases and various causes that crop up each month, which makes awareness campaigns idiotic. Who doesn't know that hitting people or bullying them is wrong or that breast cancer is bad? Do we really need to have campaigns for these causes? People just blindly contribute to charities, without thinking or doing research. PETA is another example of a company that people like to donate to, but if you dig into the business practices, you will see that they actually kill more animals than they claim to help. My point is, do your research and don't just jump at the latest craze or campaign. Sure, donate, but do it wisely. Be informed. Seek out information rather than being lazy and just accepting what you are told by the media talking heads, as they all have agendas, which mainly center around fear tactics and propaganda. Don't buy into it. You have a brain for a reason...USE IT!

Living With Chronic Diseases (Part 1)

Living with chronic conditions can be tricky, especially if the symptoms are not constant or even consistent. Currently I live with IBS and other lower GI issues, which I have had for almost 20 years. Sure, the symptoms are annoying and can be severe at times, and with a family history of colon cancer, sometimes gives me anxiety, especially during a flare up which causes me to lose a good amount of blood (TMI?).

A more recent condition that has been diagnosed is hypothyroidism, which is basically my thyroid not wanting to participate in all of the responsibilities it is usually tasked with completing. I only found that it wasn’t working when I went in to the doctors (reluctantly) when I was in pain, living with a 5/10 on the pain scale, with some moments being 25/10. I had back surgery about 10 years ago for two herniated discs (laminectomy of L4-L5 and S1-S2), which at the time I had tried to “walk off.” Yes, I can be stubborn at times. Well, after seeing the doctor, I had to get a check up, including labs since the last time I had been to a doctor was five years ago, when I was a student at Oregon State University, and that was just for birth control (Mirena, which I highly recommend), so no labs were done. The results of my lab were good except for my thyroid; I will be starting medication to help with managing the symptoms this week.

I did some research and found out that the thyroid is responsible for more than metabolism, but also plays a role in heart and digestive functions, muscle control, brain development, and bone maintenance, as well as nerve entrapment syndromes, fatigue, depression, and irritability (Roberts & Ladenson, 2004). These symptoms, along with my weight gain and chronic back pain, in conjunction with living in a place that challenges my sanity all combine for a miserable existence, which are exacerbated by the hot weather associated with living in West Texas. 

However, we are taking steps to change what we can...moving to another state, taking medication, trying to stress less and get more sleep, as well as keeping active when my body allows and attending physical therapy a few times per week. It’s hard to separate chronic illness symptoms from personality, but I know that I am capable of being happy, and I know that with some conscious changes, I can regain that feeling.

Reference

Roberts, C. & Ladenson, P. (2004). Hypothyroidism. The Lancet, 363(9411), 793-803.

A Pain in my Arse

An occasional sharp pain leads to a constant feeling of despair, as the anxiety of not knowing if the next step will be painless or send you into a realm of pain that you never knew existed. Trying to put mind over matter lasted only so long, as the facade began to tarnish and crack. There is no denying or hiding the cringes that accompany the unseen pain; each step is a weary endeavor, with a time bomb flashing in your peripheral vision. It would almost be easier if it was a broken bone, as it is a visible injury. However, much like the mental illness battles, the hidden ones often hurt more.

Having had tried to “walk off” two herniated discs about a decade ago, I am not one to quickly admit defeat or even admit that I am human. Being a dedicated follower to the motto “Toughen Up, Buttercup,” I tried to pick myself up and dust myself off. But this time I couldn’t. This pain was different than the disc injury, as there were no tingling limbs, but rather just a sharp pain and achiness. I tried to heal myself through the use of PiYo (a mix of Pilates and yoga) and herbal supplements. Sure, most people would say, “Why don’t you just go to the doctors if you are in that much pain?” Well, it’s because as a freelance writer and graduate student (with the latter now on hold due to my injury, as it is hard to sit down and concentrate for long periods of time) and don’t have health insurance. I would have qualified for Medicare due to my low income status, but the lovely governor Rick Perry decided not to expand the program. However, due to my loving (and persistent) boyfriend, I started the process of obtaining my medical care through the Veterans Administration, as I earned the status of disabled veteran due to my 30% disability rating that I incurred over the course of my 12 years of active duty.

It took about three month to navigate the system, as my application for coverage was sent to the wrong address, then when I called to follow up about two months after I sent it off, I was transferred to the publications office (perhaps this is an example of why so many are disenchanted with the VA). I called back and was able to reach a very helpful woman (Betty) who told me that I could email her a copy of my application and DD-214 and she would help me to get the ball rolling. Two weeks after I sent Betty the paperwork, I called back to check on my status once again, and lo and behold, I was in the system and could finally obtain medical services! Yay! I was told that I should go to the local VA clinic and make an appointment. I grabbed my wallet and keys, then off to the VA I went. Well, it appears that all of the doctors have quit working at that location...which was built this year. Sure, they have some doctors from other locations filling in, but there are no doctors assigned and I was not able to make an appointment at that time, but they would call me when there was an opening. That wasn’t going to cut it though.

The next day the pain was still bad (I had been living in a 6/10 -7/10 of pain on a regular basis, with 25/10 on occasion) and I wasn’t sure that I could hold on until the local clinic had an opening. I called the larger clinic, which was about 70 miles away, to at least try to make an appointment. I called the number and was stuck in voice prompt hell and then when I called back and told the operator that I was trying to make an appointment, she transferred me to someone’s voicemail (just another reason to be disenfranchised with the system). Well, due to my untrustworthy nature of voice mail, I decided to get in the car and drive that 140 miles round trip...to at least make an appointment. I am glad I made that decision though, as they told me to go to the VA Urgent Care (which is in the same building) and I was seen, got a shot in the ass, and even got a few x-rays done.

Upon examination of the x-rated pictures (hey, it’s pictures of my innards), it was discovered that I have some narrowing and compression of some of my discs, a little curvature of my spine to the right (my spine is a Republican? Crap) as well as a few bone spurs in at least one of my vertebrae. So, at least there is something wrong and it’s not all in my head. They gave me a few prescriptions and made a few appointments for me at the local clinic that is closer to where I live, including a lab appointment. It has been a good five years since I have had any blood work done or even seen a doctor other than the one I saw when I was a student at Oregon State University for my Mirena (I highly recommend it, btw).

The doctor I saw at the Urgent Care clinic told me that if the medications don’t work, that I would need an MRI. Well, it looks like that will be in my future, as the pills I got do diddly squat. As it is, I am taking one of each (a pain pill and a muscle relaxer) and a Doan’s pill every couple of hours. He told me that the muscle relaxer should be taken at night, as it would knock me out. Well, that is not the case either. Even taking this concoction, it hurts to: walk, stand, stand up from a seated position, sit, roll over in bed, get out of bed, pull my pants up, and just about anything and everything else. However, the annoying thing is that the pain is not constant or consistent, which contributes to the anxiety and muscle stress due to the constant unknowing, bracing myself for the possibility of pain.

I may have to go back to the clinic that is further away, as the pain is getting worse, as before it went away a bit as my back loosened up a little, but that is not the case anymore. The anxiety is challenging, and so is the depression that accompanies the fact that I know what my body has been capable of in the past: I have completed two Tough Mudders, enjoyed MMA training, kickboxing, Insanity programs, lifting heavy things, and when I moved to Texas, I loaded the truck myself, alone. Feeling like a shell of who I was before is hard, and even more so since I have used workouts as a form of therapy, and now I am not able to do such things. So, until I am able to resume my normal activities, I need to find other outlets, such as writing, reading, and trying to take care of myself so I can come back stronger than ever.

Two Headed Monkey on Your Shoulder

This post is dedicated to those who have struggled with the monsters known as addiction, substance abuse, alcoholism, and depression, as well as those who have lost loved ones to the various diseases. Mental health issues do not discriminate.

        Times like this I reconsider my annoyance at the fact that I feel like I am pursuing a degree to be licensed to do a job that I don’t really want to do, which makes my education feel like a waste. However, when I hear about someone who had struggled with addiction and mental health disorders throughout their lives, only to ultimately succumb to their demons, it makes me want to help those in need.

        I am currently almost done with my coursework to become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and often feel underwhelmed at the prospect of becoming a counselor, as I enjoy academic research and writing, to the point that I am considering to go for my PhD in psychology so I can pursue research. However, when I hear of a death of someone who battled either mental health or substance abuse/addiction, it strikes a chord.

        I have experienced what it is like to be active in an addiction (or two) as well as what it is like to have bouts of depression and emotional disorders. I know that I would much rather work with a counselor who has been there, experienced it, rather than trying to apply textbook learning to a real life situation. I’d rather sit across from someone with tattoos, turquoise hair, and experience, than someone in a stuffy suit, that’s for sure. Sure, I know that there are plenty of good counselors who may have not experienced first-hand what it’s like to be in the grips of a coke binge, alcoholic stupor, or sitting on the floor in the kitchen while crying. However, bringing personal experience to the counseling session is a valuable tool. So, while I may still cringe at some of my courses, such as child and adolescent or marriage counseling, I know that it will help me to get to where I want to be, wherever that is…

Robin Williams will be missed. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or mental health issues, there is help.

PiYo Week 2

Today marked the beginning of the second week of my PiYo program. For those of you who are not familiar with the program, it is basically a mix of pilates and yoga, or in other terms, yoga for people who don't like yoga. So far, I have felt a little less discomfort in my lower back, but I am still modifying all of the moves. I am waiting to receive a new disc, as the one I have for the first few workouts of the program is skipping. I will try a new DVD player though, as it is frustrating. Today's "Sweat" workout was cut short by about 6 minutes, skipping the reps on my left leg during the "Power" sequence. I'll keep going though, while I wait to hear back from the VA regarding my back pain, which may be related to a surgery I had a few years ago for two herniated discs. Until then, it's Icy Hot, heat packs, Epsom salt baths, and natural remedies, along with some Bayer Back and Body. I think PiYo is helping to reduce some of the pain though.

What is PiYo?

PiYo Fun

Well, this week I started the BeachBody PiYo workout program, as I just HAD to do something since my body has changed (for the worse) and the programs I usually do, I am currently unable to complete. Long story short, I had back surgery a few (okay, closer to 10) years ago. I tried to “walk off” two herniated discs. Can you say “STUBBORN?” Yeah. So, a few months ago, it started to act up again, to the point where if I lie down, it is an ordeal to get back up again. We even purchased a new mattress topper (with gel on one side, which is nice in the Texas heat), but that is like putting a band-aid on an amputated limb.

I have completed three of the PiYo workouts so far, and while there is still some discomfort (Ok, more like screaming out loud, sharp pains that almost buckle my knees), it is getting better. I still have to take some Back and Body caplets, use a heat pack in the morning and occasionally throughout the day, as well as Icy Hot or Tiger Balm, but I am determined to get better...or die trying.

I am not affiliated with BeachBody, but I have completed a number of programs. If you have a question, feel free to ask. If I don’t have the answer, I may know where to find it.

Access Denied

You don’t realize how dependent you are on things such as the internet and your phone until you are without their services. It’s funny where my mind goes when I am cut off from everything. First our internet went out about 11 am CST, then I lost the internet access on my smart phone shortly thereafter. I tried resetting both my phone and the modem, to no avail. I even tried to call the internet provider, and my call was not able to go through. I tried calling a few more numbers in my phone, and all of them resulted in the same inability to connect.

The last time all services went down that I can remember was on 9/11. In my mind, the one that always thinks the worst case scenario (and plans for it), it crossed my mind that maybe we had been attacked again. I was cut off from all communications, but my cell texting ability was spotty, so I was able to get a few texts out to see if others were having issues. I recently watched the movie, “The Purge,” and I have to admit, the thought did cross my mind.

It wouldn’t be such a big issue, to be without internet...if I didn’t work from home as a writer, and needing to access research journals and academic databases to gather pertinent information. So, until it comes back up, I am at a standstill work-wise, which means that I am losing productivity and thus, money. If we spend so much money on internet service, shouldn’t it be more reliable? Other countries have more reliable internet service at a more reasonable rate. Why can’t we? I am also afraid what the new changes that will come with the end of Net Neutrality will bring.

I guess I will relax until it comes back up, because I have work to do whenever it decides to resume service. Which, when this gets posted...it is back up and I may have a late night. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one who lost internet and phone. About half of the town went down due to ONE accident. Way to have proactive planning. Now, back to work!

Not a Willy Nilly Girl

I am not, nor from what I can recall having ever been, a willy-nilly sort of a person. Research is my friend and I try to gather as much information as I can before making any large (and sometimes small) decisions. It can be purchases such as when I bought my previous car, I examined the fuel efficiency, the cost of estimated maintenance, durability, resale value, and which features I wanted and which dealership carried what I wanted. I also research before buying televisions, booking hotels (price comparisons and reviews on various sites), and even the very Chromebook model that I am currently writing this blog post on...basically, I research EVERYTHING. Heck, it makes sense that it is part of my job too, since I actually enjoy it. I also researched the best environmentally friendly homemade laundry detergent since we use the gray water from the washing machine to water a section of our backyard. I even researched the best homemade dog treats (which I now do once a week instead of store bought since the dogs had some unpleasant reactions after they had some Milkbones the last time.

            So, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I also do my research when it comes to moving and living in various states. Fortunately, the nature of my military background required me to live along the coast, and as a San Francisco Bay Area native, that never bothered me one iota. Sure, I have been stationed in some places that I was not too fond of for one reason or another (basically anywhere on the East Coast...sorry, just not my preference), but I was able to make do, knowing that I wouldn’t be there forever. I have lived up and down both the East and West Coasts, and traveled to close to two dozen foreign countries. None of that prepared me for where I am currently living though.

            While I conduct background research on 99% of the choices I make, I moved to Texas to follow my heart. Good thing he’s worth it, because I am not fond of this state. When filling out my “dream sheet” (basically requesting where I want to be stationed based on the openings and my rate/rank), I researched the areas where the billets were located. I know what I like and what’s important for me to feel comfortable. None of those things are located here in Texas (or at least not in the area where I live). Some of the things that I like to know about a place to help me in making decisions on where to live include:

●       Temperature

●       Outdoor activities

●       Political atmosphere

●       Eco-consciousness

●       Cost of living

See, I don’t think that is too much to consider when thinking about where to live. All of those things are important to me and can help me to thrive if given the right conditions. For temperatures, growing up in NorCal, it was rare when it hit 100 degrees, and when it started to get warm, say around 80 degrees, at least there was a cool breeze coming in from the San Francisco Bay and you knew that Mother Nature’s air conditioning (a nice thick layer of fog) would roll in. Here in Texas, a few days before summer “officially” began, we had already experienced a week of 90+ degree temperatures and broke the triple digit barrier. This week we are expected to be over 100 degrees for a few days at least, which makes me not so happy. You see, the heat makes me irritable. Sure, you think it makes you irritable, but it’s a little more intense for me, as it gives me both headaches and stomach aches. My eyes are photophobic, so the glaring sun doesn’t help much and my ethnic background is basically all of the pale cultures that you can think of...which makes me Casper the Friendly Ghost white and I burn very easily. I also don’t like the feel of the heat from the sun on my skin...so Texas is splendid for me. Can you feel the sarcasm as it drenches you, akin to the beads of sweat that form on your brow, the drops that trickle down your back, ending their journey in your butt crack?

            This brings me to the outdoor part. I lived in Oregon before I moved to Texas, and at least once a week, the dogs and I would go hiking in the forest and nature preserves (Oregon is kind of known for their trees). It was both a good workout (I would wear a weight vest, usually adding an extra 20-30 pounds for our 5-6 mile hikes). During the summer or warmer days, we just went a little earlier in the day, beating the sun and then making it home to sit in front of a fan or open up the windows for a breeze. Nature is and has been a large part of my life. Sure, nature is everywhere, even here, but it’s not the kind of nature I enjoy. I nearly cried the other day because of the fact that I miss trees. Not just the trees themselves, but missed what they represented. You see, I work as a freelance writer and am a full-time graduate student, which means I work from home, on my own schedule. I enjoy the freedom my work allows and I used to use that flexibility in my day to do things that would recharge my mind, such as hiking in the woods with the dogs. I have built my reputation in the writing world and have worked up the ranks to a point where I can earn close to what I used to make as a direct care provider, without clients physically assaulting me or making credible death threats. I now have a little more spare time, since I am making more per page. In the past, such an increase would allow me to spend more time outside, however, here in Texas, I despise the idea of going outside in the heat. Also, there are no forests to wander around and get lost as I recharge. The closest hiking trail to where we live is a sand dune. I kid you not. A. Sand. Dune. That just doesn’t cut it for me. There are a few trees here and there, but NOTHING like what I am used to, nor prefer.

            Okay, now let’s talk about politics. They say polite people don’t talk about death nor politics...but who's to say I’m polite? Back to my roots...I grew up in a liberal family, where differences were accepted and most of my family are registered democrats. Also, the Bay Area is a rather liberal location too, which I am very fortunate to have experienced. I have brought that with me wherever I have lived, as it is part of who I am; like the saying goes…”You can take the girl out of California, but you can’t get rid of the hippie.” Well, maybe I made that up...but regardless, it’s fairly accurate. I have found myself thrust into a land, akin to the Twilight Zone mixed with a zoo. I was aware that places like this existed, but I had never experienced it for myself. I hear that other places in the state are more progressive and liberal, but that is not the case where we live. I am used to being the outcast and outlier of society; this is a bit more extreme. I have found myself living among staunch gun-toting, liberal hating, proud to be oilfield trash republicans who have little tolerance for people who may think differently. I have been told that I don’t belong here since I am not a fan of guns in restaurants and because I don’t think that prayers belong in a public school. I try to understand the thought processes of others, but I just go mad when I try to apply logic to the residents in this area.

            So...yeah. I am planning my escape from this hell hole that is West Texas. We should be sprung from here in less than two years and I am already planning on where we need to move that can tick all of my boxes and allow us to be a happy couple. I feel bad that I am crabby at times due to my location, as that is not entirely his fault (aside from the fact that he grew up in the state). I know what it takes to recharge my mind and body...and Texas just doesn’t have it. So residents of Washington...I may be coming for you soon. Watch out and get out of my way...I think there are trees I need to hug.

My Adventures in Social Media

Yeah, sure...I should be working on a project for work that needs to be completed in about 14 and a half hours, but the events of the day have just compounded; this week has been trying my world in regards to social media. On both Facebook and Twitter, it has been challenging this week and both for different reasons. Sure, I do feel a little silly saying that people who reside inside my Chromebook and phone have the ability to rile me up so, but the fact that they are real people and not just some fictitious virus or known unknown is why it is a little disturbing.

This week, my troll on Facebook raised its ugly head again, this time under a new pseudonym instead of duplicating my account, and they started to slander me on the local news site, accusing me of saying such horrible things. After my experience of being an outcast nearly everywhere I have been, I would pretty much be the last person to tell another soul that they should kill themselves. This troll has been harassing me for a while now, and I still have no idea what they want or what the goal is to their mayhem.

Today culminated the loveliness of social media, as I awoke to a direct message from someone I follow on Twitter and Instagram. Apparently I am a dominant person on her timeline and she told me that she was going to unfollow me for posting too many pictures. On a picture sharing site. I wouldn’t have had a problem, nor even noticed if she unfollowed if it wasn’t for her message telling me that she was unfollowing me. I really don’t care who follows me where (unless it’s to the bathroom, then it’s just creepy). It escalated to me venting about not only her but the week in general, only to have her reply to me, and then delete the tweet about me needing to grow up and stop playing the victim. Then they (her and a friend) made an Audioboo about me, basically calling me a dominant bully. I am not sure that neither she nor her followers realize that not all of my tweets were about the exchange.

But...if the words fit or strike a nerve, then maybe it says more about the reader than the writer? Anyway, I just felt like sharing and getting the irritation away from my creativity. Time to finish the remaining 6.5 pages. Oh, also kicking around the idea of starting a podcast or forum. If you’re interested, let me know. If you wish I’d change how I am living my life, by all means, let me know that too!

I'm Still Alive

Yes, I know it’s been a while since I posted anything, but it’s been quite busy around here, with moving for a second time since I moved to Texas, adopting a new puppy, taking on work projects (sometimes more than I should), trying to sell stuff we have and don’t need, and just trying to keep my sanity (or what there is left of it). I often push myself more than I should, only to have my body remind me that I am not superhuman after all. Usually it is my immune system or gut that forcefully brings me back to reality, causing me to cease functioning in my normal fashion. I came down with a cold about two weeks ago, probably due to my stress level weakening my immune system. As a writer and graduate student, I don’t leave the house unless I have to, so as soon as there was a germ or bug...it leapt into my system. I also made my boyfriend sick (oops). I continued to push myself, even while my body was sending me gentle reminders that I needed to take it easy.

Currently, my brain and body are winning the battle, as I have taken some cold medicine that has basically left me no other option than to submit to the wishes of my body. My brain is fuzzy, my tongue doesn’t feel like my own, and I’m supposed to be working on a 10-page article on CBT, but I currently have the attention span of a...squirrel! I have a hard enough time concentrating as it is, which is odd, as I can easily churn out 3,000 words in one day on a topic. What can I say, my brain works in mysterious ways. So now that I am at the mercy of my fuzzy brain, perhaps I can fully recuperate, which would be good, considering school starts back up on Monday. I have been taking it easy a little this week and dabbling in nurturing my creative side. The phrase “be creative” has always made me freeze and break out in a cold sweat. However, I have enjoyed my recent foray into creativity, as I painted a picnic table, made some planters, and will soon clean out a discarded wagon in order to plant some flowers. Next up is creating a gardening bench/work table out of old wooden pallets.