An
occasional sharp pain leads to a constant feeling of despair, as the anxiety of
not knowing if the next step will be painless or send you into a realm of pain
that you never knew existed. Trying to put mind over matter lasted only so
long, as the facade began to tarnish and crack. There is no denying or hiding
the cringes that accompany the unseen pain; each step is a weary endeavor, with
a time bomb flashing in your peripheral vision. It would almost be easier if it
was a broken bone, as it is a visible injury. However, much like the mental
illness battles, the hidden ones often hurt more.
Having had
tried to “walk off” two herniated discs about a decade ago, I am not one to
quickly admit defeat or even admit that I am human. Being a dedicated follower
to the motto “Toughen Up, Buttercup,” I tried to pick myself up and dust myself
off. But this time I couldn’t. This pain was different than the disc injury, as
there were no tingling limbs, but rather just a sharp pain and achiness. I
tried to heal myself through the use of PiYo (a mix of Pilates and yoga) and
herbal supplements. Sure, most people would say, “Why don’t you just go to the
doctors if you are in that much pain?” Well, it’s because as a freelance writer
and graduate student (with the latter now on hold due to my injury, as it is
hard to sit down and concentrate for long periods of time) and don’t have
health insurance. I would have qualified for Medicare due to my low income
status, but the lovely governor Rick Perry decided not to expand the program.
However, due to my loving (and persistent) boyfriend, I started the process of
obtaining my medical care through the Veterans Administration, as I earned the
status of disabled veteran due to my 30% disability rating that I incurred over
the course of my 12 years of active duty.
It took
about three month to navigate the system, as my application for coverage was
sent to the wrong address, then when I called to follow up about two months
after I sent it off, I was transferred to the publications office (perhaps this
is an example of why so many are disenchanted with the VA). I called back and
was able to reach a very helpful woman (Betty) who told me that I could email
her a copy of my application and DD-214 and she would help me to get the ball
rolling. Two weeks after I sent Betty the paperwork, I called back to check on
my status once again, and lo and behold, I was in the system and could finally
obtain medical services! Yay! I was told that I should go to the local VA
clinic and make an appointment. I grabbed my wallet and keys, then off to the
VA I went. Well, it appears that all of the doctors have quit working at that
location...which was built this year. Sure, they have some doctors from other
locations filling in, but there are no doctors assigned and I was not able to
make an appointment at that time, but they would call me when there was an
opening. That wasn’t going to cut it though.
The next
day the pain was still bad (I had been living in a 6/10 -7/10 of pain on a
regular basis, with 25/10 on occasion) and I wasn’t sure that I could hold on
until the local clinic had an opening. I called the larger clinic, which was
about 70 miles away, to at least try to make an appointment. I called the
number and was stuck in voice prompt hell and then when I called back and told
the operator that I was trying to make an appointment, she transferred me to
someone’s voicemail (just another reason to be disenfranchised with the
system). Well, due to my untrustworthy nature of voice mail, I decided to get
in the car and drive that 140 miles round trip...to at least make an
appointment. I am glad I made that decision though, as they told me to go to
the VA Urgent Care (which is in the same building) and I was seen, got a shot
in the ass, and even got a few x-rays done.
Upon
examination of the x-rated pictures (hey, it’s pictures of my innards), it was
discovered that I have some narrowing and compression of some of my discs, a
little curvature of my spine to the right (my spine is a Republican? Crap) as
well as a few bone spurs in at least one of my vertebrae. So, at least there is
something wrong and it’s not all in my head. They gave me a few prescriptions
and made a few appointments for me at the local clinic that is closer to where
I live, including a lab appointment. It has been a good five years since I have
had any blood work done or even seen a doctor other than the one I saw when I
was a student at Oregon State University for my Mirena (I highly recommend it,
btw).
The doctor
I saw at the Urgent Care clinic told me that if the medications don’t work,
that I would need an MRI. Well, it looks like that will be in my future, as the
pills I got do diddly squat. As it is, I am taking one of each (a pain pill and
a muscle relaxer) and a Doan’s pill every couple of hours. He told me that the
muscle relaxer should be taken at night, as it would knock me out. Well, that
is not the case either. Even taking this concoction, it hurts to: walk, stand,
stand up from a seated position, sit, roll over in bed, get out of bed, pull my
pants up, and just about anything and everything else. However, the annoying
thing is that the pain is not constant or consistent, which contributes to the
anxiety and muscle stress due to the constant unknowing, bracing myself for the
possibility of pain.
I may have
to go back to the clinic that is further away, as the pain is getting worse, as
before it went away a bit as my back loosened up a little, but that is not the
case anymore. The anxiety is challenging, and so is the depression that accompanies
the fact that I know what my body has been capable of in the past: I have
completed two Tough Mudders, enjoyed MMA training, kickboxing, Insanity
programs, lifting heavy things, and when I moved to Texas, I loaded the truck
myself, alone. Feeling like a shell of who I was before is hard, and even more
so since I have used workouts as a form of therapy, and now I am not able to do
such things. So, until I am able to resume my normal activities, I need to find
other outlets, such as writing, reading, and trying to take care of myself so I
can come back stronger than ever.
