Driving home from work tonight, I was struck by a feeling…like a massive semi truck had plowed into my conscious, squashing my thoughts of self into a thin crepe. And not the good kind either, filled with warm nutella…but instead with cheese that even dogs would turn their noses away at the faintest whiff.
I found myself reflecting on my 35 years, feeling like a failure of sorts. Failing at what, I’m not sure; but failing regardless. I suppose I had thought I would have accomplished more in life by the time I reached this number. I don’t know what I was supposed to achieve, so it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly where I fell short.
I staved off the tears as long as I could, making it all the way home without a drop of liquid emotion escaping from my eyes. Greeted by the madness, which is Peggy Sue and Troy, prancing, sniffing and being torn between wanting to love on me and wanting to go out to wee. A minute later, after they had taken care of their business (they are awesome…13-hour shift and not a single accident), it was “Floor Time.” This is my routine that grounds me a bit…and when I was able to let the tears spill over the wavering brink, letting the warmth cascade down my face, much in the way a dam with a leak can only be plugged with fingers for so long until it starts to find other weak points in the façade.
Dogs licking, tripping all over me as I lay on the ground in a raw and emotional state…the only witnesses to my instability. Life would certainly be easier if we were issued a checklist of sorts, letting us know what we are supposed to accomplish on the To Do List of Life. I suppose the most important thing on there would be…Just Keep Living.
My mind can often play tricks on me, reflecting back an inaccurate depiction of my life. The inability to see accurately can lead to some dark places, causing doubt to be cast upon each action one either takes or fails to take. This constant scrutinizing of actions is exhausting and not having the answer key is frustrating.
As a friend of mine recently said, “Our minds want to kick us in the genitals from time to time.” I just hope I am able to find my cup.
Society has a funny way of making people sick, dictating what we should and shouldn't do. Don't fall for it. You have battled depression, and to me you're a survivor. THAT is a fucking achievement.
ReplyDeleteYou always know the right things to say. You, my friend, are awesomesause.
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