Emotional and Financial Stability? We Shall See.

Having started a new job this week, I again experienced the butterflies of anxiety swarming inside my body. While this position may just be temporary (supposed to last about 30 days), it does provide some stress relief in the fact that a paycheck is associated with my time spent at their location. This is good, as being unemployed, with no source of income other than my disability from the military…times were quite troublesome. Not just the usual worry about making rent and paying the bills (like any self-respecting and responsible adult) but I am not afraid to admit, it started messing with my head.

Some may know of the existence of certain inner demons which I fight on a regular basis, and while I won’t bombard you with the details, they often lead me to some dark corners inside my mind. The feeling of being a failure, not being a contributing member of society and the general feeling of not having a purpose encompassed me more so than they usually have in the past. Add to that the fact that I was rejected on a regular basis, for positions that included janitor, call center representative, bakery register clerk, adolescent drug treatment aide, merchandiser, night auditor for a hotel, customer care assistant at a home improvement store (basically a grunt that helps to load your purchases into your vehicle) and a gas station attendant. I was good enough to rescue people, inspect foreign cargo ships, retrieve bodies, perform the duties as an underway mechanic, emergency dispatch and even work with an AUSDA on an oil dumping case that ended up being the largest settlement at the time, but I wasn’t good enough to pump gas? That took a toll on my psyche.

While unemployed (which I still am, but not as much) I set out to apply to at least 5 jobs per day, found from various sources. When that wasn’t netting results, I then started applying like a mad lady to as many positions I could find, not paying any attention to if I would enjoy them at all, as they would just be a way to prevent myself (and my dogs) from becoming homeless. That’s when I ran across one on the employment website for a temporary scale clerk at a quarry. I figured what the heck…the only requirements were: at least 18 years of age and legible handwriting, along with organizational skills. Well, I am quite a bit over the desired age, my handwriting is decent and thanks to the military, I am pretty organized (okay, maybe boarding a little on anal), so away my resume went through the complex web of the internet. A couple hours later, I received an email from the company. I was expecting another rejection, as that seemed to be par for the course. To my surprise, it was a request to have me fill out one of their applications online. It may not have been an offer, but it wasn’t a rejection, so I opened their Word document (not very user friendly if you are filling out a form online), completed the necessary information and sent it back on through, not really expecting much to happen. A couple days later, my phone rang and they were wondering if I was still interested in the position, as it was an hour or so away from where I live. My meager bank balance flashed through my mind, and I jumped at the opportunity.

The following week, I was in their office (which was a two hour drive away) and filling out some paperwork and reading training manuals, still unsure if this was a screening process or if I indeed had the job. Four hours later, tax forms completed, I had the position. I never really even had an interview for this position, not sure of the hours (it’s full-time, but I don’t know start nor stop times) and not even sure of the pay (the ad included a small range of hourly pay), but it’s a source of income and a way to relieve a little bit of stress, albeit temporarily.