Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

That is my favorite definition of fear, as it is quite accurate. Sure, there are some fears that are irrational and not quelled by seeking information, for I know firsthand the entanglement of irrationality. Some of the more common fears include: the dark, dying, being alone, heights, spiders, etc. However, my biggest fear is not amongst these, as I see best in the dark, know that everyone dies, thrive on being alone, remain calm when my feet are far from the ground and well, spiders are cool if they stay outside.

As I sit here in a hotel room, awaiting an event I have trained for over the past year, I am full of reflection, anxiety, nervousness, excitement…oh, and fear too. Not that many years ago, I sat alone in a hotel room, but that experience was quite different, yet the same descriptions of feelings were present. Then, I had attempted to overdose (on purpose), with a note in my pocket for whoever was the person unlucky enough to find my body. Clearly, my attempt was unsuccessful. A fact for which I am grateful.

Fast-forward a couple of years, to where I am now…in a hotel room, clothes hung up for the events of the following day, a mini-fridge full of Greek yogurt, skim milk, cottage cheese, G2 and Superfood with spirulina. Oh, and some bananas, a couple gallons of water and some gummy bears that just jumped in my bag (sneaky little guys).

Both of these events involved a possibility of death; the overdose attempt and the “death waiver” I had to sign to participate in tomorrow’s event. I find it interesting that two events, on the polar opposite sides of the spectrum, have so much in common. Tonight’s reflection is focused on how far I have come (and how far I still have left to go), the changes I have made in my life and things I can focus on changing in the future. I can feel the heart palpitations associated with anxiety, for the events of tomorrow are like nothing I have ever attempted in the past.

Most of all…I am scared. Scared of failing; failing myself and my team. We shall see.

And, just in case there are some readers who don't know what event I will be participating in tomorrow... here is the website